The Post I Hoped I Wouldn't Have to Write...

One Wednesday morning I did a home pregnancy test and it was negative. I was pretty sure then that this last cycle had been unsuccessful, but was still holding out a slight bit of hope that maybe things would change by Friday. That was not the case. Another test this morning confirmed I am definitely not pregnant. Colin asked me about the baby in my belly last night and I had to choke back tears to explain to him that the baby is not in there, that it didn’t grow. He knows the doctor has put a baby in my belly and that I get checked at the doctor to see if it is growing. He got a sad face and went and told Shelby he was sad because his baby sister isn’t growing in my belly. I don’t know what we do from here. There is not enough time to do another round of IVF with stims to harvest more eggs between now and when we leave in June. Even if there was we don’t have the money to do it since we are still paying the debt from these last three rounds off. When we move to the island there will not be an IVF doctor there, it’s too small. I do have embryos frozen in Tucson, but we have no idea what kind of time and money we are talking about to go use those. I honestly don’t know that I want to risk it after three failed cycles this time around. I suppose this makes Colin my miracle baby even more. Shelby and I have always talked about being open to adoption, but that also requires tons of cash we don’t have right now. So at this time, I guess we are just stuck. I wish I could understand why people who don’t want kids or don’t take care of the ones they do have area so easily “blessed” with more. I wish I understood what fate and life has in store for us that we cannot have more children. I hate being a control freak with absolutely NO control over my own body. I will have to find a way to make peace with this situation, at least for now, because there isn’t really any other option at this point.